On Solitude

Yes, it's okay to love being alone

First of all, I’d like to apologize for my voiceover on the last two posts. I usually record them and send them out into the ether without listening to myself chatter on. Fortunately, two friends told me they were of terrible quality, so I re-recorded them using a different method. From now on, I’ll suffer through listening before sending it to you. :)

It’s the day before my birthday. I’ll be 69 years young, as they say. I’m not loving that number (not the age, the number), but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve always preferred the even numbers, for some reason.

When my children were little, I had these wonderful books by author Louise Bates Ames that profiled each age of early development - “Your One-Year-Old,” “Your Two-Year-Old,” etc.

Louise spoke about the equilibrium years (mostly even-numbered) and the disequilibrium years (mainly odd-numbered). She was always spot on, although I thought five was the exception. Five-year-olds seem pretty balanced to me.

Somehow, this has stuck with me over the years, and I often think of it in terms of myself. Sixty-eight, in spite of the crazy world, has been a very balanced year for me. Calmer, I think than I’ve ever been in my life.

I think it’s Solitude.

Recently, someone I know reached out to me to ask if I’ve ever written about Solitude (I’m capitalizing this intentionally, by the way.) She wanted to know my thoughts about it and why “being alone” seems to have such a negative connotation.

She wrote:

“There’s just way too many articles about how being around people is so important for us and I agree it is important, but I think that there are some of us that just know how to be alone and how to fill up our time and how to fill up our heads. Productively. And sometimes I feel it’s all a part of the system’s way of wanting us to think that we have to be around people.”

Here’s what I think. I think that most of those articles are written by extroverts.

I’ve read a lot about introversion and extroversion, and the definition that has always resonated the most with me is this:

Introverts refill their wells by being alone.

Extroverts refill their wells by being with other people.

Certainly, there is a spectrum, and it can change over time. There are times when introverts love to be with other people and times when extroverts love some alone time.

There are introverted extroverts and extroverted introverts. So, I’m not trying to put anyone in a box here.

Many times I’ve had an extroverted friend say to me that I don’t seem introverted when I’m with a group of people. Or (God forbid) at a party.

Introversion isn’t the same as shyness, although often, they go hand in hand. I’ve outgrown a lot of my shyness, though I was painfully so as a child.

And hence I can be with a group of people and enjoy myself - to a point. But, I usually cannot wait to walk through my door, back to Solitude.

My energy is quickly depleted being with groups of people. I love a cup of tea with one or two or three friends, but beyond that, it zaps me.

Introverts are generally pretty empathic and intuitive, so we tend to guard our energy.

Even as a child, most of what I loved to do was solitary. Drawing and reading mostly.

I treasured my alone time.

One of my favorite things to do was make a fort in our basement and hide out there with a flashlight, reading.

I would ride my bike down the block to the park at the end of our street and pull my bike into some large bushes that formed a cave. Perfect for one shy little girl.

During winter storms, I would build a cave in the snow.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’ve lived my life in solitary confinement. I loved being married. I was married for 30 years to my high school sweetheart, who I met when I was 15.

I loved raising a family.

And yet, still, I had that aching need for alone time.

I will never forget the day I got my own studio. Sure, it was in the bowels of Detroit; I had to park in a barbed-wire fenced-in lot, and the building was usually deserted and cold when I went to paint during the day. But it was my private space to create, and I was in Solitude heaven.

I could paint or write or sit and daydream and then head back to being a mom and a wife. I was a better parent and spouse for having filled my well alone.

Knowing your astrology chart (not just your sun sign) and numerology can also help to understand your introversion or extroversion. It really does unlock many keys and help you relax into who you truly are.

I think my friend answered her own question about being alone. Some people are better at it than others.

Yes, it’s okay to love being alone.

I can say, without any doubt whatsoever, that I am never lonely. Never. I love my own company. The past few years especially have been incredibly rich - getting to know myself in a place where I am truly alone. My nervous system has never been treated to such feelings of peace and calm as it has been here, nestled in these mountains, on the edge of the woods.

And I know that I am blessed to be able to say this. Because, surely there are lonely introverts out there, as well.

There is no right or wrong. The world needs extroverts and introverts. It’s just that extroverts are generally more vocal and enthusiastic about bringing everyone together. I love my extroverted friends for this, and I love them for understanding and giving me my space.

I’ve often said that if I ever lived in a community, I would want to be the Crone on the edge of the woods. I’m there for you if you need my wisdom :) but if you don’t see me for days on end, please don’t worry.

Interestingly, so many introverts find themselves writing and putting themselves out there on social media or platforms like Substack. It’s a dichotomy, for sure. We don’t usually like attention. In fact, I’ve been saying for decades that I don’t need or want any attention.

And yet, here I am, sharing my intimate thoughts with the world. It’s pretty strange, and I’m not sure I’ve figured it out yet. All I know is that these days I’m constantly writing in my head. During meditation, as I’m falling asleep or waking up. Even writing in my dreams. And certainly when I’m out in Nature.

I’m sitting here now, writing to you, with a fire going in my woodstove, and the snowstorm I wished for my birthday is happening!

On my first birthday living in this wee house in 2020, there was a Nor’easter! I was blissfully alone, and I think it was my favorite birthday ever.

The snow is supposed to continue through tomorrow, and I am like that little girl in Detroit. I will get out my snowshoes and walk in the woods. Or sled down my hill to the mailbox. :)

Maybe I’ll build a snow cave.

There is something special about snowstorms and how they feed our Solitude.

The silence, the snow-covered majestic White Pines, swaying with the wind, everything seems to come to a halt. Mother Nature is blanketed in white.

It was my favorite time when I lived in the city. I would bundle up and walk the empty streets to the river. For one day and night, it was a winter wonderland until the cars returned the next day and turned it all to black mush.

Fortunately, I had a friend who liked to play in the snow, too. Here’s one of our masterpieces from 2006!

Today, I walked into the forest after lunch, and oh, what a sight! The first time it snowed here and I saw the woods, it reminded me of the snowy scene in “Camelot.” I know, a cheesy musical film, but I love it. I love everything about the Arthurian legend. Maybe I’ll watch it tonight.

So, to my friend who wrote to me and to all of you who, like us, love spending time alone, perhaps love living alone, I say embrace it. It is kind of a special gift, I think, to be able to live in Solitude and still find Joy in life.

And, as always, thank you for allowing me into your Inbox. I know how crowded they get, and I just want you to know how much I appreciate you!

Much Love,
Barbara